Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
