No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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