I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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