life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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