Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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