i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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