Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
