I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
