Me too!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
