I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
from now on my penis is your penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
