Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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