I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
