FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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