where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
