wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
