just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
