This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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