Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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