i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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