Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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