"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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