I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
