Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We are all done wearing pants today
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
