You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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