I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
two words...techno handjob
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
