I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
