I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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