Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
