does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
