we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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