i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
