how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
