Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My vagina just recognized that song.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
