Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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