The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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