it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
