Moan for me like Helen Keller
I look better un-naked...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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