Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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