I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize