Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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