she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
