fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
