Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
