This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
