Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
