I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
