i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize