coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
