Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
