you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Randomize
