Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
