Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
