My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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