Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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