Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
