Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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