Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
